Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
