Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
