I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
