I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Every concussion has its silver lining
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
