I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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