Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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