You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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