i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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