remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
