Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
