I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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