I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
