Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
