Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
As shirtless as possible
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
