and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
