Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
