Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
