Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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