Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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