i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
