she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What drink are we having for lunch?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
