are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
