Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
These tits shall not be calmed
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
