How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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