I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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