you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
