I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
