There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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