YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
