Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
