Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
