Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
last night I used snow as a chaser
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
