Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
