What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
