i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
