Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
be right there i have to get my cape
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
