There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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