If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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