Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
