I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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