The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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