I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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