You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
