Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
