You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
