wrigley field is MILF paradise
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
