In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
