I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize