I met the friendliest cop last night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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