You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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