I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
