I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
