Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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