i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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