Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We had sex on a dog bed..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
