I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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