You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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