I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
