I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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